Premarital

There are many ways to tangle the “knot.”

Congratulations! You’ve found someone you love so much that you’ve decided to take the leap and “tie the knot.”

But have you planned for the many ways your knot might get tangled or kinked?

Have you explored future decisions, such as kids and career?

Balancing kids and a career has been so unfairly loaded onto women. And yet, even in these more modern days, women are still challenged to find a balance.

Ideally, the balance is explored ahead of time to reduce the unmistakable reality that having kids shifts the entire landscape. It’s so worth having some sense of direction about this. Have you talked?

Are you both clear about your roles?

Roles will most likely shift, and ideally they do so with flexibility.

Look at your parents and your partner’s parents. Do you see roles there that appeal to you? Do you see suffering that was lost in the years of just living? Are you the bread winner or the stay-at-home parent?

All roles are fine as long as you’ve worked as a team to define them and allow for growth. Talking about what the future looks like helps a lot.

Do you think by being married he or she would never find anyone else attractive?

The reality is that you are human, and most likely you will find other humans as attractive or more attractive, thus triggering insecurity and threat.

How you manage this is by talking about it. By being open to hearing each other’s desires, if they arise, you can reduce the threat that many feel when faced with the fear of abandonment.

Who pays for what and does it even matter?

Some people assume one or the other is going to pay for things. Some people have a lot more money than others. If you are a team, perhaps this does not matter. If you worry about fairness, that’s fine.

But for the sake of argument, talking about it to clarify is key.

Do you have a prenuptial agreement and how does that land for you?

Nothing says ‘love’ like a prenup.

The reality is that this makes sense for many people. But if you are the one having to sign up to commit to not taking your partner for all their money, it might leave a strange taste in your mouth. Are you talking about it?

All the above typically have expectations connected to them…

… and that is fine. As long as you are talking about them.

The danger is that if you are not or are just assuming you will deal with it when you “cross that bridge,” you may be in for a surprise.

The other reality is that it’s hard to know when you don’t know how it will play out. Some risk is fine. Others might not be so easy to chance. Talk, talk, talk!

Marriage can be an amazing thing.

In fact, we tend to live longer when in relationship.

With less stress, a combined income, and a partner with whom you can fully trust and be your full self, the gains of being in union are many.

The idea of having someone on your side to support you and for you to support through challenging and not-so-challenging times is such a gift.

This said… it’s a drag to be married and realize three years in that you really don’t know how to get your needs met.

Keith* and Monica* got married with the best of intentions.

Right after being married, they postponed the honeymoon until a later time. Keith landed a job in a new and distant place away from where they met and where they had connections.

Isolated in a new place, Monica landed a job – not a great one, but a temporary one that would hold her over until they could move back to where they really wanted to be.

Keith’s work continued, and he became more valuable to the company. They enjoyed the benefits of the lifestyle they were living because of his career.

Monica got pregnant – a bit sooner than desired, but happily she delivered a healthy child. Still without family support and Keith back to the same job, Monica finds herself underemployed, alone, and wondering how this all came to be.

One night, Keith arrives home late, and Monica lashes out about why he needs to work so much. He recoils and feels underappreciated. Keith withdraws and doesn’t know what to say. Monica yells louder, desperately attempting to reach him – but he cannot hear her pain; he only sees her anger.

No honeymoon, no one’s fault, just life unfolding. Could it have been avoided? Could they have teamed in a way that allowed them to be more conscious of the moves? I suspect, yes.

There’s a much better way to go about it.

Together, let’s explore some basic concepts that will help you avoid the many pitfalls that can derail your marriage.

Here are some of the things we’ll work on during our 6 to 8 sessions together:

Communication styles: Does your family of origin yell or shout, or were they resistant to sharing feelings and more passive? By now you may already have a solid sense of how each other’s families communicate, but do those styles work with your relationship?

Attachment styles: Do you come from a family with many insecure attachments? As a child, were you well-tended to or not at all? Are you two able to manage the insecurities that arise when faced with attachment threats?

Parenting styles/Children: Do you want kids? Regardless of the current position on the issue, what if you should change your mind? Are you open to becoming flexible to allow for the possibility? And if you have them, what type of parent do you want to be? Do you agree with each other? Some parents want the kids to experience some suffering, and others cannot allow their kids to suffer at all.

Extended family involvement and expectations: How connected to extended family are you both? Do you allow for understanding when faced with a partner who feels uncomfortable in the company of your family? What comes up for you? Being torn between your main person and wanting to honor your family can be tricky.

Money management: Who likes this topic? So many struggle; and then again, some love to be in control. Do you love planning for things or are you more inclined to purchase at will? There is no one right way, but are you united on this? If not, where is the middle ground?

Career paths and how those are impacted by children: Have you considered your path and how it might impact or be impacted by your partner’s plans? And, if and when kids enter the scene, who does what and how? It can be a very complex puzzle to figure out when attempting to do it on the fly.

This is an exciting time in your life. Make it last.

To support your new journey, I challenge you to consider with an open mind what it is you are about to begin.

It’s an awesome journey; but when explored with love, honesty, and flexibility, the decision becomes strengthened. The clarity about your next steps provides a clear mind and confident heart as you join hands and share vows.

Get the tools you need to help you through the tough times. Start today by giving me a call: (802) 349-8591.

*Names changed to preserve client confidentiality.