Couples Therapy
Are you a mind reader?
Many of us think we are. Sometimes we’re right. But most of the time, we are WAY wrong.
For example, your special someone takes a big breath of air during a conversation. You decide right then and there that this individual does not care about you… again. They are so bored… so self-absorbed! Perhaps you lash out or withdraw and become silent.
And… this is where the wheels come off the bus. Sound the record scratch, please!
What we do in the name of love…
What if we just ASKED what his sigh meant? Hmmmm…
But many couples sabotage this connection, because they are so worried about the threat of losing the connection, of not being important to the other.
Classically, people find themselves in patterns of relating to one another, and many of these patterns become knee-jerk reactions that sabotage the connection.
A simple illustration might look like this…
A partner arrives home late only to be met with tension about the fact that they are late.
The one who has arrived is confused by the anger but is left to either defend against the experience or withdraw from it.
The one who is tense really attempts to communicate a deeper need. The attempt is lost in the tension only creating more distance, the exact opposite of the desired effect.
Using our love for our kids as an example of missed connection, consider this narrative…
Let’s say your daughter climbs onto the handrail connected to the long staircase. You freak out on her. She recoils and is scared or upset by the interaction.
Perhaps you’re mad because you have told her so many times, and you are worried she is going to break some aspect of the house.
Or, suppose that the freak out is really your fear of her hurting herself and that you feel angry about the fact that this little human you love so dearly could not be fully protected by you. You will suffer with her in her pain, and you believe her to be responsible for that.
I believe that we can buy ourselves a ton of time…
… filled with more love and connection than we currently do.
Given all the time spent on assumptions and tension, what if we were willing to lean more into the curiosity of interactions?
Even after 12 years of marriage, I need to explore with my wife the meaning of communication transactions all the time. I can assume or guess what is going to happen, or what she thinks, but why would I do that when I can ask and explore?
There is a fantasy that exists…
… it has people believing that if you really know someone and really love them, then you will know what they need.
That somehow asking our loved ones what they need or what they mean is somehow missing the mark.
That feels to me like a set up. And what a gift it is to know that your partner loves you enough to ask and explore.
The more we explore on a regular basis, the more we connect and the less time we waste living in our own made up reality.
I get it… couples work isn’t easy.
And many times, it’s straight-up weird.
You show up to an appointment with some guy you have never met, and he begins exploring some of your biggest tensions and fears.
It seems counterintuitive to share with this stranger all that you have been working so hard to hide. But amazingly enough, it can work. Often, it is a relief to share all that has been begging to be expressed.
Here’s why therapy is worth the “weirdness”…
Couples work is about slowing down and beginning to understand with new eyes and ears. To do this, we SLOW DOWN enough, so we can not only hear what’s being said… but also realize that it’s always been about wanting to be connected.
We slow down enough to begin to lean in and listen to what we need. We explore what emotions are under the expressed surface emotions and then, with my support, begin to share with our partner in an effort for them to hear us in a new way.
We’ll work together and transform outdated arguments and assumptions (e.g., “mind reading”) into curiosity and connection. You will find me supportive and engaged as I seek to understand your struggles and tensions. In this process, you will see me model how we can ask and explore with our partners and what it looks like to not assume your meanings.
You will also be challenged to step into your relationship in a new way.
Practice makes perfect.
Well, it will at the very least create change. In the systems world, any change in the system causes the entire system to change. We can also anticipate that to change, there comes a recalibration time as we face experiencing our relationship in a more positive and hopeful manner.
We may not want to trust the changes or believe that those we are seeing are real or lasting. But that is part of the stepping. Holding on to hope.
I will assist you in making sense of patterns that have failed in the past.
And we will work to plan for the future issues, because there will always be future issues.
Working to anticipate the hurts that our loved ones have endured can inform us about new approaches to take and new ways to explore. We also know that there will be times that old patterns arise, and that’s ok. Just like in filmmaking, we can build in the opportunity to do another take. We continue to strive to be who we want to be in the relationship.
I provide tools that can be used right away.
Right from the first session, you will walk out with some simple communication tools that will allow you to challenge the inertia of the undesired pattern.
I intend to be practical in my approach to ease the suffering so that we can begin to access more of the emotional content behind the struggles.
I understand and appreciate the challenges you’ve been facing…
Working with me you will be met with an appreciation for all that you have done thus far. You will experience empathy for the struggle it has been.
You can count on experiencing my open mind and heart. I have a deep appreciation for the flawed humanity we possess. The shame that so many of us work to hide needs a place to be reconsidered and released.
I am not afraid of the variety of emotional expressions that we demonstrate. But I do assist people I work with in modifying their approaches to be more effective in being understood. You will not find me challenging you in ways that I myself would not be willing to try.
I am not one to shy away from emotions, yours or mine.
My hope is to inspire vulnerability in my office that allows clients to be fully there without the fear of judgment.
Lastly, it is my hope that you see my service as a team effort. I ask for feedback to ensure that you are getting what you want.
It’s not too late to try again.
What’s it worth to have a relationship or marriage that feeds you and energizes you?
What are you willing to do to step out of the patterns that have pained you for so long?
If you think you are up for the challenge that so many before you have taken to improve not only the relationship, but their own personal life and how they relate to their world, then I encourage you to act.
I know coming home to your partner and expecting to be greeted with love and openness isn’t just a fantasy. It has happened, and I have been there to see it.
Call me today: (802) 349-8591.